Dear PhD.,

Day for editing and sending what I have to the prof.
So nervous excited. Could be ok, could be shit.

M

Dear PhD.,

Soooooo sleepy, I dranl a double esspresso and did 30 jumpng jacks but my eyes droop and my brain switched off.
I need to finish this chapter today.
Maybe waking at 5 AM is a bad idea. I am getting atleast 6 hours of sleep a day. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh.

M

Dear PhD,
Some days things are fine, I work all day and go home and crash knowing I made progress and sleeping with the thought 'tomorrow s another day'. Some days, for no reason, the tension comes back and kills my productivity. I know the main chapters are done. I just have to do the smaller bit now. But I just can't I dont want to. I can't. Cry again.

M

Der PhD.

Another day. A long hard week lies ahead. A long hard month after that.
But Im moving at least. I just have to pass, I just have to pass, I just have to pass.

M

Dear PhD.,

Its snooooooooooowing!
No one is in the building, The office has been empty this whole week for xmas and now its the weekend. I see no one all day everyday.
I want to celebrate the snow but there is no one to jump for joy with.
Work is ok. I wrote 35 pages in 11 day. I surprise myself.

M

Dear PhD., 

Yesterdays non-argument has fallen into place. You are a thing of mystery.
I am in the office building alone. Arrived at 6:30, it was so quiet and so very empty. 

M 

A day of crying.

some days are good, some days terrible TOday I made word count but no arguments. :(

Panic panic.
G read some of the thesis. He made great comments. So far all is fixable. But not soon enough to give to the prof.
How to write and have him read and fix together?

Dear PhD.,

I feel exhilarated when I make an argument. It helps the imposter syndrome to subside for a few minutes or hours sometimes even the whole day. But time is not on my side (or I made fun of time too many days and now I suffer for it).
And the more time I have with you, the more I will have to do. So I will spend all my energy to get rid of you now and then try and remember the good times.

M

Dear PhD.,

Panic and self doubt ate me up yesterday. Today was better, got 2000 words writen. onto other things tomorrow. Last 6 weeks with you.

M

Dear PhD.

Dreaming of graduation to help tide me through. I'm going to wear the yellow silk saree. Hope mom and dad are here. Hope no one reads my thesis.

M

Dear PhD.,
We took a break. I went away because you  made me so horrile and stressed and I missed my life.
Now I'm in trouble again.
I'm have to get rid of you in a couple of months.
Please make this easy for me.

M

Dear PhD.,

Please call me back. I need to finish but I need to start again.
Took a long weekend off so I could stop hating you so much.
I'm not sure it worked.

M

Dear PhD.,

Can't seem to get unstuck. Weeks have gone by, my 1,000 words a day goal seems impossible.
Im lost and sinking.
M

Dear PhD.

I am 2/3rds done. And very stuck.

M

Dear PhD. ,

Perhaps I will make it after all. Perhaps.

M

Dear PhD.
Hopelessness, hope, hopelessness, hope...
You are a very intense fast-forward ride through life itself.
M

Dear PhD.,

I need to stay in the zone of productive panic. Too relaxed and no work happens. Too panicked and no work happens.
P. S. - I got the 6 month extension on my scholarship. Celebrated by making red wine stew and tking another day off. 

Dear PhD.,

I had a breakdown on Thursday but tried to keep going. On Friday, I could no longer keep my head above water. So I spent the day crying and slumping into a  ball in different places in the apartment- kitchen, living room, stairs, rug near the book shelf, bathroom etc. Took Saturday off and am trying to get back to you on Sunday. Hopefully will be bright and ready on Monday.
On the positive side, about three quarters of minimum writing goal is done (in three months). Looks like I am on target  for submitting by December, now lets see if I get that scholarship extension.
M

Dear PhD.
I woke up at 6:00 AM. Its 10:30 and I am still hovering around you.
M

Dear PhD.

First thing in the morning. Existential crisis. Shoot me.

M

Dear PhD.
Dread again. Had a very difficult time being productive last week, took a full weekend off but I still want to curl up in a corner at the thought of you.

Not love,
M

Dear PhD.,

You are so endless endless endless. I am so finite in my energies.
Everyday, day in day out, endless.

M

Dear PhD.

Dropped lunch all over my shirt and had to wash it in the office sink.
Some variation from routine.

M

Dear PhD.,

I want to go back to H. But you are taking all my time and attention.
M

Dear PhD.,
One more lesson you taught me- do a little everyday and eventually you will have done more than a little.
M

Dear PhD.,

New week, new month. I had forgotten some of the ideas I had on Friday before leaving for the weekend. I love you a little for today.
Also I love Coffee for making it possible to love you sometimes.

M

Dear PhD.,

Those two chapters I wrote on the little desk in the attic in Paris are not bad. Take heart, there is something worth reading in these 100 pages.

M

Dear PhD.,

I just reorganised, restructured., and rethought.
I feel good again. Another six months and we shall part ways (please).

M

Dear PhD.,

This morning I felt like wilted lettuce. Now I feel like ROAARRRR!
Coffee and sunshine was the answer for today.

M

Dear PhD.
Yesterday I went to bed early but I am still utterly exhausted. What am I doing?
M

Dear PhD.,

Panic drains me so completely.
Some days I wake up and the gloom is hanging above my head already. I know that there will dry mouth, sweating, crying that day (more than other days).
All I can do is get through it somehow. wait for the next weekend. Wait for the end, the day I can wake up not dreading everything.
M

Dear PhD.
I just can't get in the mood to look at you today. Mondays are always hard.

M

Dear PhD. 

Moan....moan...moooooooooooooan. 

Why is it Monday again?

The prof. is back from Mayanmar. Maybe a meeting with her will be encouraging, maybe it will be discouraging.

I just want to not do anymore today.

Moaaaan, whine, whine, moan ###$*&^@%#(@!&@%^@#%@&&.

M

Dear PhD.,

There was a power blackout. I panicked at not meeting my word aim so after a morning of procrastination, I typed almost a 1000 words in under an hour. Now I am stoked because I read some great material from an interview. This research is going to be good (remind me that the next time I am crying over it).

M

Dear PhD.

Today is a holiday so I have to set up camp at home instead of going to office.
But the good news is- I got a mail from my professor. It made me so happy to see that she remembers me. Almost like getting a mail from a crush, I keep looking at it.

M

Dear PhD.,

The more I look at my data, the more I am surprised about how Delhi and India are running. What a madhouse.

M

Dear PhD.,

Some learnings from being with you- I work well only when I wake and sleep on time (mamma was right). I have to stop wasting time on fretting. I have to eat well to work well (rememer that Friday I skipped lunch and crashed completely by 6 PM?).  Good decision switching to herbal teas. Way too much time is spent counting words and calculating how much time it will take to make some randomly selected goal post. Every bad patch passes. Good patches don't last either. Having someone to love you and take care of you through it makes it so much easier.

M

Dear PhD.

How is it only Tuesday yet? I feel like its at least Thursday.

M

Dear PhD.,

Alone in office again. In these endless empty corridors where my footsteps echo, I feel at times like a mad scientist in an underground, hidden lab and sometimes like the next victim in a horror film.

M

Dear PhD.,

Next year will be great no matter what because you will be gone.

M

Dear PhD.,

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

M

Dear PhD,

I spent another afternoon today on foramtting decisions- font size and spacing. Counting, recounting the words. Calculating, recalculating the time it will take me (while knowing these numbers mean nothing). Trying to make more pages out of you but not making it too obvious.
I have OCD.

M

Dear PhD.,

I think a lot about my ex- my Masters thesis.
I used to think that was hard. Hah.
I wish you had the same quality bar. I would have finished it by now.

M

Dear PhD.,

I was wondering, how did I learn to do this? I came to Germany and goofed off for two years and then started writing an academic project with no supervision or help. Is thesis writing an inborn skill?

M

Dear PhD.,

Today I am on my way down from the high. Good thing tomorrow is Saturday. Today my head is physically nodding 'no' every time I look at all these papers. I need a break so badly.

M

Dear PhD,

For some reason you make me very thirsty. My eyes hurt too. You are a physical thing.

M

Dear PhD.

You are so much more vast than I had ever imagined. I cant believe I did my field work without knowing all your dimensions.

M

Dear PhD.,
Just found some exciting material. I love you again. lets spend the day together.
M

Dear PhD.,

Why?

M

Dear PhD.,

I read somewhere that I should finish out of spite. Thats the only thing I have left for you
M

Dear PhD,
 I should be writing but I am thinking-'sleeeeep', 'nice weather outside', 'is avacado a fruit or vegetable?'

Dear PhD,
I found a way to deal with the way you make me feel. It only works for 5 minutes but it works well. The trick is to dance as silly as I can. arms flailing, hair flying, legs pumping silly. I can escape you in an instant.
M

Monday again. The day is lovely, rainy and cool. I have no time even for melancholy. 

Dear PhD.,

This is how you make me feel-

Dear PhD.,
I have been wearing the same pajamas and big shirt for 3 days now, but I am too tired to shower or change.
M

Dear PhD.,
Ive been smashing the word limit everyday this week. Its finally Friday and I feel like death. I wanted to cry all morning and the thought of you repels me. But a 1000 words shall be written today. No matter how hard you try to push me away. One more 13 hour work day and then I will lie in the sun in the park and be thoughtless.
( I wrote 900 words and cried through it then I  lay on my stomach and threw a tantrum when H came home from work then I fell asleep at 21:00 till Saturday).
M

Dear PhD.,

I can't have a conversation or watch a video without wanting to reference everything or finding problems with the terms used or identifying the underlying assumptions in the discourse. Is this my life now?
M

Dear PhD.,
You have done the impossible. I have become a morning person because of you. I sleep at 11 and wake at 6:30 everyday. I feel old.
M

Dear PhD.

I got serious about you a couple of months ago (15th April is our anniversary).
My in-laws, the funding agency insisted on it. I have to say I love-hate you.
M

Dear PhD.,

Please stop being in my dreams. Is it not enough that we spend the day together?